On thoughts

“If you think it, you can create it”

“You better let somebody love you before it’s too late ...” -the eagles (I believe). Why can’t I follow my intuition more? I should know by now that it’s pretty much always right. <3


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To Be Toxic

I don’t know what to do. One minute I feel calm and content when he talks about a future together, and the next I feel completely suffocated by the toxic mess that has become our relationship’s stew. Am I growing into being a more toxic person by being with him? Most days, I’m beginning to think I do.

“What’s wrong, babe? Talk to me.”
“I just don’t think I make the best decisions when I’m with you.”
“I know, babe. I’m going to try to be a better influence on you.”
“...I don’t know that you can.”
“This is something we need to tackle together, something we need to work on, because I want my future to have you in it. Just please don’t give up on us yet.”


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Existence

I often think about the ripples our thoughts and actions create, about cause and effect. Like if a single nano-second could change the outcome of any would-be scenario. A glance at me, driving, from another driver could be the nano-second that changes that person getting in an accident or not 10 seconds later. Is destiny real, though? If we are meant to meet certain people, to accomplish certain things, or even to die at a certain point in time, would those things happen anyway via other means?


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A try at “therapy”

On a day only a few breaths ago, perhaps a year or two, I found myself seated across from a man who went by the title “psychotherapist.” This man was neither humble nor kind; simply outdated by his age and general demeanor. I would guess that he was pushing 80, for those who feel it’s relevant to know. Because potentially, it is. I explained to him my story, how we are entering into a new “paradigm”, a word he was entirely unfamiliar with. I explained to him the age of the divine feminine, and about how we need to heal the sacred masculine that lies within us all in order to become fully realized in our power. As a result, he told my mother, when she came in near the end of our session, that she had “a real problem here” and that she should seek medical help for me immediately. This, exactly is the problem with the outdated paradigm of white, cis-gendered, hetero older men in power. They simple don’t get it. It’s beyond their capacity to understand.
I ran across this man again on the street a few months ago and silently said a prayer to myself that he might open more to the possibility that there may be more out there to understand beyond his limited scope of the world. May it be. May we all find healing in the way in which we and the world are suited Best.


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Wisdom

“This isn’t about me; this is about you.”
If I find yourself having irrational thoughts or fears around something then I need recognize that it’s work I have to do.

“I can’t sacrifice my happiness so that you worry less. That’s unfair to me.”
-Hope, about my fears and her going back to California


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Time

“You can get most things back. The only thing you can’t get back is time.” - a wise friend, today


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Lessons

Yesterday, I was sad. That deep sort of overwhelming, penetrating sadness racked my soul. I went downstairs to get a hug from Hope and she told me, because I drank the night before, “alcohol is a depressant; this isn’t you. It’s ok I know what it’s like to feel sad for no reason.” Then she gave me some healthy suggestions of things I could do to help myself. She is so wise and so comforting to me. The relationship I share with her is unlike any other in my life and I feel grateful for her as a teacher and as a friend. She’s my greatest teacher, actually. I remember telling her that a couple summers ago as we sat under the trees and I watched a tear fall from her eye as the words hit her. Yes, she is my greatest teacher. And I’m glad she knows it.


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